I created this blog months ago with the “catchy” title and a bunch of ideas of what I could do with it, sharing all of the great aspects of my life – and up till now I’ve done absolutely nothing. Well, in just a few short months, I’ve lost(?) my secure job, my depression is at an all-time high (or low?) ..its just bad, I can’t think straight half of the time, my finances are practically non-existent and everyday I ask myself what is the point of it all? I have so many questions as to where did everything go wrong. I’m an overly educated woman in her twenties who’s been able to get through school, work in the corporate world, meet the love of my life, and do so much more…all while keeping my anxiety and depression at bay….up until this point.
I guess this is what they call “Rock Bottom”.
I’ve always struggled internally; but externally, I’ve always had everything together. Now the charade is up and I just feel so exposed – I’m not as perfect as I’ve made it seem, everything is not ok. But, know what hurts most? Not the fact that everyone can now see that I’m struggling, rather the fact that they don’t care and are so fast to distance themselves from me, with a simple “take care” ..which seems to really mean, “take care, you won’t hear from me again and I don’t really care how you’re doing, but that’s the polite thing to say now that you’re no longer any use to me“. If it wasn’t for my husband, I literally would not be alive today. I know its probably bad to base my life on one thing, and specifically one person, but its just how things have ended up. Everyone has abandoned me, except him, and frankly he’s the only thing that still keeps me happy and going on a daily basis. I literally owe him my life.
Blah blah….getting over the mushy stuff, as he doesn’t even want me talking about him on here – I’ve spent the past two weeks just trying to get my shit together. What am I passionate about? I don’t know. What can I do to sustain my life? I don’t know. I am just in a space of limbo right now, feeling awful that I can’t contribute to the household anymore, feeling awful that I just had to give up my car that held so much (unnecessary) importance in my life, feeling awful that I’m literally trying to debate between buying groceries or paying the rest of rent for this month…and trying to figure out how we will survive from here on out.
If anything, though I am in such a terrible position right now, my depression/anxiety meltdown has really helped me out in terms of realizing that the corporate world is not for me. The next month, couple of months, maybe even years will be difficult, but I’m going to find a way to survive. It’s not like I was happy with the 9-5 office life, it was just normal. Now I have the chance to change that. Honestly, I don’t know how, but I have no choice. I guess I’m just using this site as a diary since I already purchased the domain, I always lose my physical diary’s and I need a place to unload my thoughts.
Hopefully, in a year from now I can look back and see how far I’ve come…the journey begins.