Married to an Alchoholic

Even though he is the best person to come into my life, I hate my husband and I hate the fact that he is a self-proclaimed “functioning alcoholic”. He can sit at home drinking 12+ cans of beer, two bottles of wine, a huge bottle of hard liquor, fall asleep for about 5 hours and then still go on for about 3 or so hours on the couch watching tv before he goes out to purchase more alcohol and start his next daily cycle of drinking.

I have confronted him about it so many times, even to the point that he broke down crying in counseling saying that he will try a 12-step program to get over his drinking. It’s now been a week since couples counseling and the drinking has not slowed down. I can’t take this. As I previously stated, I am unable to work at the moment, so if anything, I would expect that he would step up and take charge as the head of household. Instead, we are on our last $2000 (my last paycheck) and he is drinking it away everyday.

I was set on leaving last week and not turning back, but he knew I was ready to leave, and that couples counseling was my last straw. It seems as if his tears in therapy was just a ploy to get me to come back, which he got without making any changes on his end. Now, I feel I need to leave, but I have no money. Our $2000 is quickly going down into the $100’s and I just don’t know what to do. I could just leave and take all of the money, since we’ve been living on my paychecks for the past 1.5 years since he can’t keep a job. But, for some reason, I can’t leave comfortably knowing that 1) I only have a couple hundreds left to start my life over and 2) he will not survive without any job or money.

I hate that I fell in love with him. I hate that our relationship progressed to marriage so fast. I hate that I’ve been paying all of our bills for the past 1.5 years, way before we even got married all because I “love” him and “know” he was the one and that we would build a successful future together. He drank when we were dating, but never to this point, I feel as if he has just used me to pay for all of his shit and now he blames me for making him an alcoholic because my complaining is annoying and the reason he can’t get a job??? ..Basically he just blames me for everything.

Frankly, I’m tired of it and I don’t want to remain in this relationship. Before getting married, I never believed in divorce, but each day of hell in this cramped apartment that I have solely been paying rent for this past year is driving me crazy. I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE. I need a way out. I don’t know what to do, I have no family or friends to depend on. I have no money to help me survive for even a month and were basically just waiting for him to start his next job in a month for some money to come in … I’ve tried freelancing, setup accounts on multiple sites and no request are coming in. I’m not giving up on working for myself, it’s just this is all too frustrating. I hate this life, but right now I think sticking around in this hell hole is what I’ve got to do to survive.

Rock Bottom

I created this blog months ago with the “catchy” title and a bunch of ideas of what I could do with it, sharing all of the great aspects of my life – and up till now I’ve done absolutely nothing. Well, in just a few short months, I’ve lost(?) my secure  job, my depression is at an all-time high (or low?) ..its just bad, I can’t think straight half of the time, my finances are practically non-existent and everyday I ask myself what is the point of it all? I have so many questions as to where did everything go wrong. I’m an overly educated woman in her twenties who’s been able to get through school, work in the corporate world, meet the love of my life, and do so much more…all while keeping my anxiety and depression at bay….up until this point.

I guess this is what they call “Rock Bottom”.

I’ve always struggled internally; but externally, I’ve always had everything together. Now the charade is up and I just feel so exposed – I’m not as perfect as I’ve made it seem, everything is not ok. But, know what hurts most? Not the fact that everyone can now see that I’m struggling, rather the fact that they don’t care and are so fast to distance themselves from me, with a simple “take care” ..which seems to really mean, “take care, you won’t hear from me again and I don’t really care how you’re doing, but that’s the polite thing to say now that you’re no longer any use to me“. If it wasn’t for my husband, I literally would not be alive today. I know its probably bad to base my life on one thing, and specifically one person, but its just how things have ended up. Everyone has abandoned me, except him, and frankly he’s the only thing that still keeps me happy and going on a daily basis. I literally owe him my life.

Blah blah….getting over the mushy stuff, as he doesn’t even want me talking about him on here – I’ve spent the past two weeks just trying to get my shit together. What am I passionate about? I don’t know. What can I do to sustain my life? I don’t know. I am just in a space of limbo right now, feeling awful that I can’t contribute to the household anymore, feeling awful that I just had to give up my car that held so much (unnecessary) importance in my life, feeling awful that I’m literally trying to debate between buying groceries or paying the rest of rent for this month…and trying to figure out how we will survive from here on out.

If anything, though I am in such a terrible position right now, my depression/anxiety meltdown has really helped me out in terms of realizing that the corporate world is not for me. The next month, couple of months, maybe even years will be difficult, but I’m going to find a way to survive. It’s not like I was happy with the 9-5 office life, it was just normal. Now I have the chance to change that. Honestly, I don’t know how, but I have no choice. I guess I’m just using this site as a diary since I already purchased the domain, I always lose my physical diary’s and I need a place to unload my thoughts.

Hopefully, in a year from now I can look back and see how far I’ve come…the journey begins.