Married to an Alchoholic

Even though he is the best person to come into my life, I hate my husband and I hate the fact that he is a self-proclaimed “functioning alcoholic”. He can sit at home drinking 12+ cans of beer, two bottles of wine, a huge bottle of hard liquor, fall asleep for about 5 hours and then still go on for about 3 or so hours on the couch watching tv before he goes out to purchase more alcohol and start his next daily cycle of drinking.

I have confronted him about it so many times, even to the point that he broke down crying in counseling saying that he will try a 12-step program to get over his drinking. It’s now been a week since couples counseling and the drinking has not slowed down. I can’t take this. As I previously stated, I am unable to work at the moment, so if anything, I would expect that he would step up and take charge as the head of household. Instead, we are on our last $2000 (my last paycheck) and he is drinking it away everyday.

I was set on leaving last week and not turning back, but he knew I was ready to leave, and that couples counseling was my last straw. It seems as if his tears in therapy was just a ploy to get me to come back, which he got without making any changes on his end. Now, I feel I need to leave, but I have no money. Our $2000 is quickly going down into the $100’s and I just don’t know what to do. I could just leave and take all of the money, since we’ve been living on my paychecks for the past 1.5 years since he can’t keep a job. But, for some reason, I can’t leave comfortably knowing that 1) I only have a couple hundreds left to start my life over and 2) he will not survive without any job or money.

I hate that I fell in love with him. I hate that our relationship progressed to marriage so fast. I hate that I’ve been paying all of our bills for the past 1.5 years, way before we even got married all because I “love” him and “know” he was the one and that we would build a successful future together. He drank when we were dating, but never to this point, I feel as if he has just used me to pay for all of his shit and now he blames me for making him an alcoholic because my complaining is annoying and the reason he can’t get a job??? ..Basically he just blames me for everything.

Frankly, I’m tired of it and I don’t want to remain in this relationship. Before getting married, I never believed in divorce, but each day of hell in this cramped apartment that I have solely been paying rent for this past year is driving me crazy. I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE. I need a way out. I don’t know what to do, I have no family or friends to depend on. I have no money to help me survive for even a month and were basically just waiting for him to start his next job in a month for some money to come in … I’ve tried freelancing, setup accounts on multiple sites and no request are coming in. I’m not giving up on working for myself, it’s just this is all too frustrating. I hate this life, but right now I think sticking around in this hell hole is what I’ve got to do to survive.